


how did love become so violent?

by ayumihayashi



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Blood and Violence, Break Up, Character Death, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Kun is an asshole, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Murder, Stabbing, Unhealthy Relationships, but not detailed, pls im SORRY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:48:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22178071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayumihayashi/pseuds/ayumihayashi
Summary: That love was destructive, it made Dejun paranoid. Made him feel that he wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't funny enough, or smart enough.He just wasn't enough.
Relationships: Qian Kun/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	how did love become so violent?

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags.
> 
> Just a quick angsty words vomit. Enjoy I guess?  
> Don't romanticize this. Xiaojun is as bad as Kun.
> 
> Sorry for hurting y'all feelings I had to do it, sigh.
> 
> (My bad if you see any mistakes.)

Kun was everything for Dejun. He was the first person Dejun blindly fell in love with. He made him feel like he was floating around on a soft cloud. His words made him dream. Kun was his happiness, his sadness, his anger.

Telling their story would he almost impossible. It was so complicated and almost incomprehensible.

Kun and Dejun met in a phase of their life where they needed each other to escape from reality. The want and need to feel loved and cherished was so strong. The mere presence of the other was enough to help them, to give them those short moments of happiness. But they should've known that " _they_ " would not last long enough. It was just impossible.

Kun had bad temper, he liked pushing Dejun's buttons, liked seeing him break down just for his own sadistic pleasure. Kun was in some ways, angry at the whole world. He wanted everything to go his way and would do the craziest things to achieve that. Yet, Kun was a simple man. He wasn't the eccentric type, he was rather the calm, down to earth kind of guy that would blend in with the rest but Kun also loved attention, loved becoming someone's one and only occupation. 

Whereas Dejun was, and still is, against any type of confrontation. The type of person to avoid trouble.

Dejun enjoyed art, most importantly, music which made Kun jealous most of the time because he didn't have Dejun full attention when the younger was focused on creating new stuff. Kun hated not being first priority. Dejun him, wasn't only passionate about music but also with Kun. He successfully filled Dejun's mind with his presence. 

It wasn't a bad thing, right? When you are in love you tend to be obsessed with your lover, you think about them all day, you cannot wait to see them. You ask yourself questions like did they eat today? Are they thinking of you? What should you buy them for their birthday?

But Kun? He was _toxic_. You know, he was that type of person who controls you with so much ease that it is almost unnoticeable. He had a way with words that would trap you, make you start to filter and analyze everything you were about to say or else, everything would be over in a matter of seconds. Kun was that type of person who held your heart in his palm and squeezed. Squeezed until the pain became bearable, almost pleasant. And that is when he squeezed harder. He possesses you completely before you can even notice. It was like a game and Dejun was only a weak character trying his best to stay alive. Of course, in games you have the chance to restart but in real life, it is game over, no other chance.

Dejun lost that game. He became addicted, dependent on Kun. In an abusive relationship. But for him, everything was normal.

But the worst was how blind Dejun was. How Kun succeeded on making him believe they were in the perfect relationship. Making him believe he really loved him. But he didn't. Or at least, he didn't showed him.

Kun was possessive, making Dejun fall into his trap and making him feel like an animal in its cage. He never let him do anything and hated the idea of the younger having actual friends. It wasn't in fear of losing Dejun to another man, he didn't cared enough for that, it was only for his own pleasure of holding Dejun back from everything. From playing with Dejun like a child would with a doll. He had total control over the younger and it was an incomparable feeling. One that Kun enjoyed way too much.

Dejun wasn't allowed to see his friends or to go out. He knew that if he did, Kun would snap and make his life way worse than it already is. The thing is, Dejun wasn't allowed to do anything, to see anyone, but Kun was free. He usually liked to bring some random men or women at their apartment and would spend hours fucking them while Dejun cried in the bathroom, thinking why was he doing this to him, why was he playing with him and breaking his heart and also why Dejun couldn't detach himself from the older.

Dejun was blinded by love. A love so poisonous that it numbed him from head to toes. 

Sometimes Kun was nice. _Sometimes_. And that was the only times where Dejun thought that maybe, just maybe, Kun changed. Which wasn't the case but Dejun couldn't detect what was right or wrong anymore. 

Kun would rather get drunk and fuck around than stay with the younger but he still used to kiss Dejun with all drunken anger and sadness he had, it tasted like bitter alcohol and despair but Dejun still let him, because for the first time, Dejun felt like Kun wanted him in his life. 

He didn't beat him, it wasn't interesting enough for him. What Kun liked was to fuck with Dejun's mind and heart but Dejun's skin still burned each time Kun would lay a finger on him, whether it was to grip his wrist tightly as a warning or when Kun slapped him hard when he made a harmless mistake. His skin burned but Dejun never said anything because Kun needed him, but most importantly, Dejun _needed_ Kun. 

Kun never apologized because he believed that he was always right but Dejun said nothing, again. His skin was burning but he never dared opening his mouth in fear of the repercussions. He was _weak_ , Kun was not.

It wasn't after months that Dejun finally realized that his happiness wasn't Kun's priority, like he pretended. Kun put himself first. Being under the spotlights, having all the attention was so much better than taking care of someone else.

But Dejun loved him anyway, he couldn't help himself. It was maybe stupid of him but Kun's words serenaded him, he knew how to use them like he used Dejun. Being in his arms was like holding his favorite teddy bear. It was soft, pleasant.

But it wasn't love. At least, not the healthy kind.

That love was destructive, it made Dejun paranoid. Made him feel that he wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't funny enough, or smart enough.

_He just wasn't enough._

And it broke him, wrecked him. Took him apart again and again with malicious words and hurtful actions until he finally had enough.

Things got too heavy, Dejun couldn’t breathe, he was suffocating underneath everything.

Everything happened so quickly; Dejun tried to be careful. He told Kun it was over, he did not want to continue this toxic thing between them, he finally opened his eyes.

Was it a good thing, though?

Screaming, sounds of plates, picture frames and tables breaking echoed in the little apartment they shared. Dejun was scared, so fucking scared of what Kun would do to him. He knew what Kun was capable of and that made him regret even opening his mouth earlier. The older could be violent when he wanted to, Dejun could feel hands all over his throat, choking him and holding him back. He fought back, tried to kick Kun while crying and begging him to stop.

His headache was terrible, thanks to Kun slamming him roughly against the wall.

"I am done w-with all of this! I fucking hate you!'' Dejun yelled, the pain in his voice very clear but still strained. He wanted to make this work; he really did. He never wanted this.

"You're nothing Dejun, nothing. Do you hear me? _Nothing_." the older's voice came out as a whisper, he squeezed his throat again, leaving Dejun breathing heavily. Kun's eyes were dark, menacing even. 

Dejun finally managed to push Kun away, running to the kitchen, opened the first drawer he found. He didn't want to do this but he needed to survive. Kun was never this violent.

He was _scared_.

His long trembling fingers reached for a large kitchen knife, Kun yelled, cursing at him. Dejun turned around, knife in hand with no idea why. His mind was racing, he wasn't thinking straight anymore.

Kun stood there at the doorframe, he looked furious and Dejun, oh Dejun was petrified. He had trouble breathing and was shaking like he was standing outside caught in a blizzard. He knew breaking up with Kun wouldn't be easy but he had not expected this.

"Put the fucking knife down," the older growled at him. Walking straight toward Dejun, no fear showing on his face and Dejun panicked.

"Go away! Stop!" The blonde male begs loudly, his voice breaking and tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn't feel himself cry earlier. 

Kun stopped right in front of Dejun.

The silence between the two feels like eternity, both of them panting. For a moment, Dejun hoped that there is still a chance to save the situation. That fragile hope was easily crushed to numerous pieces by Kun's next words.

"What do you think you're doing? Do you think that I'm scared of you?"

That is when Kun suddenly grabbed his wrist making him let out a pained yelp. Dejun's eyes widened, his gaze going from Kun to the sharp knife in his shaky hand. But Dejun was determined, something possessed him and he pushed Kun away, his grip still strong on the knife handle.

Oh, Kun was mad. But Dejun had enough.

This isn’t what he wanted to do, but there was no going back now. A deep frown rests on his dry lips, his eyes are wet and his vision is slightly blurry but he still points the blade towards Kun, holding the knife with all of his strength, knuckles white.

He doesn't remember what happened next, his body was on autopilot and maybe, just maybe, his sanity left him that day. Maybe this is all a nightmare, a horrible twisted nightmare. 

He stood there in the cold kitchen, his body shaking, blood painting his skin. It wasn't his.

Kun's lifeless body was laying on the tiled floor, a growing puddle of dark red blood surrounding him.

The silence in the empty room felt unbearable to Dejun as he paced around anxiously, blood coated knife in his hand that he dropped on the floor with a loud, terrifying noise. His blonde hair covered his face slightly. He could feel a wet substance on his face but he did not know if it was his tears or Kun's blood. _It didn't matter_.

Weirdly enough, Dejun did not feel bad about what just happened. He felt relieved, even. A loud chuckle left his mouth as he ran a hand on his hair then his face, his hands now red matching with his blood stained shirt.

The silence felt so good.

Kun was his world, he was now only his shadow. The demon that will follow him all his life and will teach him to be more careful in the future. 

_"This is all your fault."_

**Author's Note:**

> comments are welcome, hope you liked it!
> 
> follow me/come talk to me on twitter: [@taeilsyndrome](https://t.co/GUR4UKbqXG)


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